He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
