Plan B is the new Plan A
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
