my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
