Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
