end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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