what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
