If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
