Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm like, not good at living.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
