Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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