i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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