you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Apparently you make a good broom.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
