I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
