Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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