i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Someone came in the potted fern
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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