i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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