somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
my being single is dangerous.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
