I wish they made helmets for livers.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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