Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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