I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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