I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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