Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
