I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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