so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
