Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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