the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
