Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
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