you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
