I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
i think im in europe. pls send help
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
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