My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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