is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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