It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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