Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize