My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
