The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
