Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
