worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
