Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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