My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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