I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
