dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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