i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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