shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize