I wish I could punch you in the face.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
