I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
