I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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