My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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