I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
