am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
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