Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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