Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
