Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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