Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
