he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
