So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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