my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
