how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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