Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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