they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
