everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
