Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
