So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
