The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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