Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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