so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
