I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize