His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize